One Missed Call

One Missed Call has enough fodder to feed another installment of the Scary Movie franchise with its moments of melodramatic whimpering and horror film clichés.

On the shortlist for least essential movie of the decade, a copy of a copy of a copy that's so worn down, it's about as fresh and vital as a fifth-generation dub of The Star Wars Holiday Special.

Another mediocre remake of a Japanese horror film in which flashes of computer-generated ghosts are meant to compensate for lousy acting and a banal storyline.

One Missed Call featureures people who are startled by everything (including cats and library announcements) and deaths no more creative than hit-by-a-train and impaled-in-the-chest.

Horror-thriller fans won't see anything they haven't witnessed before. The list includes erratic neck-swinging ghosts right out of The Grudge and a killer to-do list similar to ones counted down in a trio of Final Destination fate-hate thrillers.

We hate to recycle the same quote that many a critic will no doubt be patting themselves on the back for this morning, but given the complete lack of originality on display here, it seems only fitting: This is one call you can afford to miss.

One Missed Call lays bare, in a single line, the difference between formula Hollywood horror and the quietly chilling Japanese horror films Hollywood is so fond of remaking."So it was you all along!"

Don't think that Warner Bros., which is distributing this mess, doesn't know what it's got. The studio booked only one advance screening and it didn't end until close to midnight before the movie was released - the better to prevent critics' reviews from landing in print in newspapers.

The ghosts are creepy enough to carry the day if you're an absolute horror nut, but nothing else warrants accepting the charges for this Call.

One Missed Call misses on every level. The characters are so bland there is no connection when they meet their ends. The pacing is so slow that the viewer has time to predict when and where the next scare will come.

The result is yet another tired, ultimately incoherent horror movie that undoes the promise of its pretty good premise and potentially interesting story structure with dull scares, sloppy ending and a pair of unconvincing, leaden lead performances.

A generic and unscary monster movie that telegraphs every suspenseful moment, clarifies every minute twist or turn with dull, expository dialogue.

The movie lacks the skill for suspense and the imagination for frightening imagery: Yes, folks, here´s another goblin who knows the choreography from Thriller.

Takeshi Miike's original 2003 One Missed Call was second-rate techno-phobic J-horror tripe, meaning that Eric Valette's even lousier American remake is something like the next generation of suck.

The deadliest call the cast and crew of One Missed Call ever received was the one from their agent telling them that this was the best work available.